just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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