In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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