um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
