I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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