Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
