I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
