I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wanna passion pit in your ass
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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