I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The feeling are messing with the penis
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
