This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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