I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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