i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
