She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
PANTIES FOUND
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