1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
