Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
