we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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