if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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