Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
