I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
