my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize