I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
