I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
