I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
