Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
