so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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