Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
