I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
