omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
