when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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