You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
