Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
