My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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