so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
