Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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