everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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