im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
