but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
