I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
