Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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