i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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