No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
