I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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