Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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