Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
