I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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