I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
