I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
