At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I want to fling myself into the sun
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
