Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
