hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
