I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
