All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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