his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
