mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize