The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
