I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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