Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
