just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
