even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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