i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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