what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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